A year ago, many of us we were looking forward to the new decade with optimism and hope. In contrast, the first year of this new decade has brought much anxiety, fear, confusion, frustration, disappointment, loss and grief. As we move towards the holiday season, a time which, for many, typically involves quality time spent with loved ones, such feelings may be exacerbated due to the inability to physically connect in the way we normally would. This loss of meaningful physical connection, a loss which for many has been present for much of the past year, can result in distressing feelings of grief and sadness.

Identifying Grief

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), many people are experiencing grief directly attributable to the global pandemic. Common reactions to grief include shock, disbelief, denial, anxiety, anger, sadness and loss of sleep or appetite. People often aren’t aware that grief is the emotion they are experiencing. Grief is typically associated with loss following a major life event, such as a bereavement, but this profound emotion can show up following any kind of loss.

Identifying grief is the first step in coping with and healing from it. Giving your emotions a name can help you put your feelings into context and understand your experience.

’I’ll always feel you close to me and though you're far from sight, I'll search for you among the stars that shine on Christmas night.'
- Unknown

Primary v Secondary Loss

Zhai & Du (2020), who researched loss and grief during the COVID-19 pandemic, distinguished between primary and secondary loss. Primary losses are typically those associated with major life events, such as the death of a loved one, loss of health or redundancy. Secondary losses refer to the loss of relationships, recreation, social support or connection.

The public health measures and restrictions put in place during 2020 to reduce and stop the spread of COVID-19 have resulted in recurrent secondary losses. Many of us have lost the ability to connect with people or activities in a way which is meaningful to us.

Embracing Grief

Loss is an intrinsic part of life. All of us will experience it, in some form, at some point. Loss can show up emotionally as feelings of grief. It is important not to avoid or suppress grief. Doing so can prolong the grieving period and increase vulnerability to more chronic mental health difficulties.

We need to allow ourselves time and space to mourn the things we have lost. Worden’s (1991) TEAR Model of Grief illustrates four tasks of mourning following a loss. Although this model was written in relation to primary loss, it can be a useful guide for coping with grief from the secondary losses many of us will may be experiencing this Christmas.

THE 4 TASKS OF GRIEVING

Worden suggested there are four tasks we must accomplish for “the process of grieving to be completed” and “equilibrium to be re-established”. It’s important to remember that grief is not linear, and there is no particular order for these tasks.

T | TO ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE LOSS

Rather than ruminate on what Christmas ‘should’ or ‘could’ have been like this year, focus your attention on the present moment and the reality of your current situation. Practicing mindfulness can be a great way to ground yourself in the present moment and focus your attention away from distressing thoughts and memories.

E | EXPERIENCE THE PAIN OF THE LOSS

Acknowledge, and talk about any painful emotions you’re experiencing. Avoiding or suppressing painful thoughts and feelings is a universal and natural response to loss, but one which can exacerbate these feelings in the long-term. Journal your thoughts and feelings or share them with a trusted love one. Chances are, others around you are feeling similar emotions and there can be great comfort in knowing you are not alone.

A | ADJUST TO THE NEW ENVIRONMENT

Consider what new tasks or opportunities could be possible this year. Are there any potential gains or opportunities for growth brought by these difficult circumstances. For example, less pressure to travel or host a large gathering, more opportunity for relaxation, or more time to engage in a new hobby or interest.

R | REINVEST IN THE NEW REALITY

Find an appropriate way to connect with the people you miss. Consider what your Christmas can realistically look like this year and how you can put an innovative spin on traditional routines to connect with the people or activities which are meaningful to you. Scheduling online family events such as a virtual secret santa gift exchange, family cook-alongs, online toasts or virtual bedtime storytelling are great ways to stay connected when you can’t be with each other in person.

you are not alone

For me personally, 2020 has brought much disappointment, heartache and grief. Multiple cancelled trips back home to the UK and indefinite postponement of family visits to Hong Kong has brought a repeated sense of loss. I feel an acute yearning to see family and friends I miss so dearly, and a profound sadness that they’re missing out on seeing my children grow from babies to little boys. Precious time we will never get back. But I know I’m not alone. I hear similar feelings echoed in the voices of my therapy clients, friends and family and see the hurt in the eyes of heartbroken grandparents as I tell them of yet another cancelled visit.

Knowing these are common, universal emotions is comforting. Whilst nothing can substitute the physical presence and touch of a loved one, there is a soothing power in knowing I’m part of a collective, that many of us are struggling and hurting in some way. Staying present, connecting with my values, and focussing on the positives and opportunities which 2020 has brought to me and my family, help to regulate my mood, feel connection and enhance my emotional resilience as we head into the holiday season.

RESOURCES & SUPPORT THIS CHRISTMAS

Mind have some great suggestions and resources to support your mental health this Christmas. You can also access evidence-based mental health information and self-help resources via my website. If you are struggling and want professional guidance to support you through this time please reach out to a qualified therapist in your area or online. Whatever you do, don’t struggle alone ⋒

REFERENCES

Worden, J. W. (1991). Grief counselling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (2nd edition). London: Springer.

Zhai, Y., & Du, X. (2020). Loss and grief amidst COVID-19: A path to adaptation and resilience. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 87.

want to learn more about coping during a challenging christmas?

If you found this useful, you may also like to read:

Christmas: The Season of Anxiety

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