Becoming a Mother: The Impact of Expectation
Nothing can fully prepare you for motherhood. However, it is important to consider and prepare for the role that expectations (your own and those of others) may have on your experience. This article highlights five common types of expectation you should consider and how they could impact your transition into becoming a mum. It also offers some simple strategies you could implement to minimise the negative impact of expectation.
01 | Expectations of Yourself
Research has shown that the expectations we hold for ourself have a clear influence on our mood, thinking and behaviour. Women with a tendency for extremely high standards or expectations of themselves (sometimes described as “perfectionists”) are more likely to struggle emotionally in early motherhood. If your expectations are unobtainable or unrealistic, and therefore impossible or not easily met, you are at higher risk of self-doubt, self-criticism and worry.
Holding yourself to the same standards postpartum as you did before you became a mother is unreasonable and unfair. When you become a parent, life changes, irrevocably. An adapted range of personal expectations, that are both realistic and achievable, are critical to enable you to feel a sense of success and satisfaction as you transition into your new role.
Stategy: Take some time during pregnancy, or as early in your parenting journey as possible, to reflect on your personal expectations and whether they are realistic. If not, adjust them to give yourself the best chance of success.
02 | Expectations of Others
Having unrealistic expectations of others can also be problematic. Honest conversation with those closest to you (e.g. your partner, close friends and family or your health team), ideally during pregnancy or soon after birth, is essential. Consider what your expectations of significant others are? Are these realistic? Do they match with their own expectations? For example, if you’re expecting your partner to help with the night feeds ensure that they are aware and willing ahead of time. Getting clear on and communicating your expectations of others in supporting your journey into motherhood will ensure a smoother transition for everyone.
Strategy: Talk honestly to your partner and support system about what you expect from them. Check if they feel able to live up to that expectation. If not, talk through a compromise which balances everyone’s needs, capabilities and desires.
03 | Expectations from Others
Be aware of the expectations of others and how this may impact you, positively and negatively. For example, consider the expectations of close family members such as your parents or your partners’ parents. Their experience of pregnancy and parenthood is likely to inform their expectations of you and your parenting journey. Considering any differences that may show up, in advance, can help you make a plan of how you’ll address any unrealistic expectations put upon you.
Strategy: Talk with your parents and family members about their experiences. Share with them your and your partners’ personal expectations, hopes and preferences. Be assertive about your boundaries; whilst you value and welcome their input, you are the parent and so you make the parenting decisions for your child.
04 | Societal & Cultural Expectations
Societal expectations, for example of how mothers should look, feel, think and behave, are likely to impact your and others’ expectations of motherhood. These could influence expectations in unrealistic ways, and leave you, as a new mother, vulnerable to feelings of guilt and shame. This is more likely if you perceive you’ve not “lived up” to how you “should” look, feel, think, and behave.
Cultural expectations of pregnancy and postpartum are also relevant. If there is a mismatch between your own cultural expectations and those of your wider family system, or the culture within which you live, this can be an additional stressor in your transition to motherhood.
Strategy: Be critically inquisitive about portrayals of mothers you see in the media and even the representations you hear from friends and people within your social group. What you see and hear does not always reflect the reality. Talk and share openly with other mums in a similar stage of motherhood to you, to ensure you’re exposed to real and accurate representations of parenthood.
05 | Career & Financial Expectations
Society teaches us nowadays that it is possible for women to “have it all”. And whilst this is a lovely idea, in reality it’s impossible. This notion can put extra pressure on new mums, as they may feel they “should” be excelling in all the domains of their life (e.g. career, relationships, parenting and personal). This is an impossible feat and can leave you vulnerable to a perceived sense of failure or “not being good enough”. If you are someone who has always been very ambitious career-wise it can be quite an adjustment adding the emotional and physical toll of parenting into the mix. Parents often report a shift in the priority of their values when they have children, and it can be quite an adjustment accepting your career may no longer be top priority.
Strategy: Be open with your employer (and yourself) about your capacity and availability for work, especially in the early days of transitioning back into work after a period of maternity leave. Consider any adjustments which may be needed (e.g. flexible work hours or time and privacy for expressing). Schedule time to regularly check in on this point as it will evolve as you move further into motherhood.
THE BOTTOM LINE
It’s worth taking some time early in your parenting journey to reflect on how your own and others’ expectations could potentially impact on you during this transitional period, in both negative and positive ways. Maintaining realistic and achievable expectations of yourself and others, and from others, means you are more likely to experience a sense of success and mastery in your new role. You are not superwoman, so don’t expect yourself to be. And don’t put up with others expecting it of you either.
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