10 Strategies for Healing from Birth Disappointment
Birth disappointment is a common and painful experience which can negatively impact the early days of parenting, and potentially beyond. Birth disappointment describes a sense of sadness and loss when the reality of your birth experience does not match with what you hoped or expected it to be.
TEN STRATEGIES FOR HEALING FROM BIRTH DISAPPOINTMENT
For some, disappointment fades over time as you come to terms with your experience. But for others, it can hang around. It may pop up when you least expect it to, often triggered by reminders of your experience. People often try to minimise their distress by avoiding thinking or talking about their distressing experience or reminders of it. But research and clinical report show that whilst avoidance may bring some short-term relief, it is not a long-term remedy. And the distressing emotions, thoughts an memories come back again and again.
If you have experienced any form of disappointment following childbirth, there are some things you can intentionally do to help heal your hurt. Below are ten therapeutic strategies which can help reduce the pain of birth disappointment.
01 | Allow yourself to grieve
It’s ok to feel cheated if you didn’t have the birth experience you’d hoped for. It’s not ungrateful to admit this to yourself. In fact, it may be a necessary step to moving forward.
02 | Reflect on your expectations of birth
Were they realistic? Women who tend to strive for perfectionism, often hold high, unrealistic expectations of how birth will go? Are you evaluating your experiences unfairly based on impossible to achieve expectations?
03 | Re-evaluate self-blame
Are you blaming yourself for something you did or did not do or say? Birth-related guilt can compound feelings of loss and disappointment. I have a free workbook which can support you in tacking guilt-related thoughts and feelings (more details at the end of this article)
04 | Avoid comparisons
When we don’t achieve something we want, we have a tendency to fixate on others who have (seemingly) achieved it. Be wary of this. What we think we see is not always as it is. Take a break from social media for a while if you find this fuels painful comparison with others.
05 | Make sense of your experience
Help process your birth experience by obtaining medical or objective feedback about your birth and decisions that were made. Talk to your medical team or birth partner about what it meant to you. Or write it down - put any anger and disappointment into a letter – you don’t have to send it.
'Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And let it go.'
- Nikita Gill
06 | Talk to others
Share your experience and feelings about it with people you feel safe to do so. Avoid sharing with people you think might invalidate your feelings with comments such as ‘well at least your baby is healthy’. Your feelings matter and deserve to be acknowledged not dismissed.
07 | Practice self-compassion
Respond to your disappointment or perceived failures with understanding, patience, and acceptance, rather than with harsh self-criticism. My free workbook has some helpful affirmations you can use to strengthen self-compassion.
08 | Practice mindfulness
Distressing thoughts and memories can pull us into repetitive and painful cycles of rumination, on what ‘could’ or ‘should’ have been. Mindfulness can help break those unproductive patterns by focussing attention on the present moment.
09 | Give yourself some time
There is no timeline for grief, but it usually does become less painful as time passes and you move towards acceptance of what is. Be mindful of postpartum hormones which may amplify your feelings of loss and disappointment.
10 | Seek professional support
If you find your sense of disappointment and sadness does not pass naturally over time, or you want support working through it, reach out to a qualified mental health professional. Ideally, find someone experienced in working with perinatal mental health, or issues related to perinatal disappointment.
Get in touch to find out how I could support you.
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